I’m writing this after watching a YouTube playlist with what seems to be the weekly Chinese Music Video top charts. I’m scrolling through the songs and see names that I know from 5–6 years ago… before I became deaf.
So as I was growing up as a teen, they were a big part of my life.
Living in the US, it takes even more effort to get this stuff. Back then I didn’t have the YouTube we have now. No Netflix either. I needed to search the Chinese web (百度) so had to learn how to read Chinese. Because I am was not born in China, while I am fluent in Mandarin from speaking to my parents, I can’t read or write. They did make me learn it by going to Chinese school on weekends. But for years, I never had to use it until I discovered this stuff.
But now I’ve sort of lost it, my connection with them. They’re still looking good and have grown up.
Whereas this part of me, at least what is left, can only live in the past.
I used listen to these songs daily and even sang them during KTV (karaoke). I collected the ones I really like, and still have them.
But as you can see from the dates, these are very old, relatively speaking. There are some where I can no longer remember the tune, only the chorus.
The ones I do remember (I feel they’re slowly fading away and have to try harder to recall them), I seem to have an attachment to. When I mentally replay these songs in my head (and also lip/body-syncing to them), they evoke emotions and memories that I can’t really get anymore…
Sometimes, this euphoria turns to sadness. I guess that’s what I felt this morning… Seeing these names and people but not really recognizing them.
Moving On But Not Letting Go?
It’s a bit ironic I’m writing this as the start of the day. The feeling seems to be the same.
I would like to keep writing but need to get on with my day. I guess I’ll come back to this later.
I want to be able to hear them/music again but need to find something else to help fill the hole. I can however return at any time… as long as I remember the way back.
I actually just finished a 3 hour KTV session… mostly lip-syncing as it’s 1AM here now… I’ve had to drink a lot of water though as mouth still dries out…
But lot’s of emotions and energy and reminiscing about past moments… and thinking about the lyrics as I sing them…