So I realized after writing this, this post is a bit of a ramble. I had a lot of thoughts and it took a few days. After a lot of edits and now re-reading, it sounds kind of like a journey to an epiphany. Anyway I thought it may be worth sharing. It also ties in a lot of things I’ve known for years but I never really understood.
I think everyone knows that you should balance your short-term desires with your long-term goals. You should plan things out and then execute. But of course the assumption is that nothing major will happen that will suddenly get in your way.
So did I… when I was very young. I dreamed of being the next Bill Gates. I loved computers and started coding when I was 6. But after being diagnosed with neurofibromatosis type 2 (NF2) when I was 8, this nice narrative filled with uncertainties:
- How long will I live? normally?
- What can I control?
- Is there any point to being alive?
The only thing I was really certain about was that everything would now be much more uncertain.
And these are not questions most kids think about, especially the last one…
Do I Have Control or Not?
Another common piece of advice you’ve probably heard is: cut down on sweets, junk food and exercise more.
But for me the thinking went something like this:
Yes I can do that but will it do anything? All the doctors say it doesn’t matter. I can do whatever I want, it’s not going to affect how fast or slow tumors will grow.
So that’s exactly what I’ll do! YOLO!
Basically, this will kill me anyway. I’m not going to make it to 60, 70, 80 years old. I don’t need to worry about what my health will be by then. And this type of “long-term” thinking sort of reflected itself all over the place:
- What do you want to do in 5, 10 years? Dunno
- Do you want a family? Probably not
- Friends, wealth? What’s the point, I’ll be more attached but will lose them anyway… might as well not have them in the first place.
Why should I invest in the future if it’s uncertain it will even be there. I should maximize my happiness now… while I can.
For example, back in high school, my dad always complained that using earphones would worsen my hearing. Well from my point of view, if I have a 90% chance of being deaf anyway, why should I even care?
You may say it’s not 100% which you are correct. There’s always hope but after being disappointed over and over again, how much can I rely on hope?
I hope she likes me. I hope I get the promotion. I hope I won’t have any more problems. I hope I will be treated fairly. I hope someone will just give me a chance…
To me, it always felt like these big things never worked out. I started out with high expectations but experience has caused them to become very low.
Do I just have bad luck? Or maybe I’m stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy?
But what I ended up developing was a “come-what-may” mindset. I’ll just let life run it’s own course and enjoy what I can. Nothing I do really matters. That seems to be what the “evidence suggests”.
Isolation and Self-Dependence
And it only got worse after I became deaf. I’ve always been an introvert. Never made any lasting friends. I’m sort of a geek (which was uncool back then) so in normal social conversations, I don’t mix well. I’m not a gamer either.
Also my college “friends” dropped off. Until last year, I lived in the suburbs with my parents and I can’t drive. So other than family, had no one to talk to. And parents aren’t the best people to share some things with. Furthermore, other people like doctors and friends would just talk to them and they would “relay” the information to me.
I just got the feeling people don’t like accommodating unless they have to. I could learn to lip-read and I did try a bit but in my mind it always went more like this:
If other people aren’t willing to help me out (they just need to write), why should I bother working to accommodate them?
On other fronts, I sort of felt the same. For awhile, I tried web development. I built a few sites, did some blogs but no one came. And so after that, I settled on just building apps for myself. If anyone wanted them fine, but it doesn’t matter to me. I’m not going to spend time making them pretty so other people like it. It just needs to work for me.
I have been a bit better online as over the years I’ve found a few groups I could fit in. The nice thing about the Internet, at least for now, is that writing is the preferred and dominant form of communication. But it’s still not the same as in real life.
Nowadays though, tech is moving towards voice… Google Home, Amazon Echo… Siri… VR. For me it’s troubling but that’s a different topic for another day.
Anyway, over the years, I became more and more isolated/detach from actual people. What I told myself was:
No one really needs me so I don’t need them either. If I kick-the-bucket tomorrow, I wouldn’t care and no one else would care other than my parents. But then they would be freed from worrying.
So that’s win-win-win! Right?
The parts below are sort of like a live blog, these thoughts came through while I was writing the previous sections before editing…
I guess I’m sort of like Trump, going back and revising what he said before to make it fit in… It’s also how I tend to code which is probably why I am very bad at white-boarding and my handwriting doesn’t help…
Realizing I Need Relationships
Honestly I’ve never thought about it this way before. Yes everyone says you need relationships but in my mind I usually go “No! Not me. I can be perfectly happy by myself. I don’t need others.” In a sense that is true, usually I don’t give a F*** about what others think of me.
It always felt like a strength: I’m contrarian! I don’t follow the crowd!
Q: If everyone jumps off a bridge (buys …), would you?
A: Nope.
But I guess this mindset is sort of like a shell. It keeps me away from awkward situations and being hurt over and over again by avoiding interactions as much as possible. But I may have taken it too far such that it’s working against me.
I’ve realized I have a few of “chicken or the egg” problems:
- I want to be making a difference but don’t want to keep getting hurt
- I am happy with myself but need others to reach the next level
- I have to do something, but what?
Do I Really Want a Better Job?
Now it seems “Getting a Better Job” may just be a proxy… The rational argument is I spend like 40 hours a week doing this, but don’t feel like I am making much of a difference. The impact of what I do isn’t apparent… at least to me. I feel I do more complicated and interesting stuff at home.
But now I remember something… I read once (or a few times) there are 168 hours in a week and if you subtract out work and sleep (7*8, let’s just say 60) you get about 68 hours left.
And 68 > 40 …
I’ve actually never done the math until now but it’s a lot. Wonder where all this time goes… maybe eating? I eat slow… and well randomly playing games on my phone… I need to take a closer look and trim down the fat in that too…
And maybe I need a change in perspective…
Honestly my job pays the bills and some more. I don’t spend much money except for some rare splurges. Most of the time the money goes in the bank and helps make other people rich…
So should I really be investing all that time needed preparing for interviews that seem to never work out? I’m starting to realize this may be what they call a gravity problem (Designing Your Life). And you can’t beat gravity… I think I need a reframing.
I should spend the time to seek real opportunities that make a difference rather than preparing for the ones that tend to end up in rejection!
I have other options!
If I really want technical growth, I could just look to join an open-source project… Some of those people are probably working on even more advanced problems than I am.
It would allow me to:
- make connections and build relationships with people I actually want to talk to
- help others while also getting the growth I want
- may lead to opportunities that I’ve never thought off
I just don’t get paid for it but hey it’s not my job!
I guess this post is what happens when you’ve dropped $1,000 of your hard-earned money into an online program. It’s like putting a gun to your (my) head… it really gets you thinking and committed. This is just the end of the first week but I’ve had thoughts of backing out a few times…
But maybe just this was worth it. I understand myself a bit better now and what I’ve really wanted. That I have not hit rock bottom… I was looking at the wrong things.
And sometimes you just need the right mix of “ingredients” to set things off… which reminds me of a TED Talk (How Bacteria Talk) I just watched yesterday…